In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life