If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.