Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.