You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
You Might Also Like
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.