I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.