my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Pigeon open mic night.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
nature’s most graceful animal
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us