Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
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Netflix and awkward silence?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Not😆🤣
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.