Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?