Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
You Might Also Like
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*