I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
no!! no!!!!!!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!