In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
PARKOUR
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
OH. COME. ON.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
classic mixup
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*