Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
KFC hitting the cannibal market
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i- i did not expect this
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I like to take long walks away from stupid people