There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.