[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
lmao
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers