Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life