When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it