No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
You Might Also Like
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*Seductively hides in the woods
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
That 👊
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.