Guys, I found it.
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Butt weight. There’s more!
When news reporters do sports stories