I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18