A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
This makes total sense…