My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
three things we don’t talk about
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.