*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.