Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)