Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.