DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
my nickname in college
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick