The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Two types of dogs.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]