My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes