After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Kermit goes Blue.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
CRYING
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
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