Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe