Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Employees must applaud the planets.