People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
lol
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Meme Monday.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.