Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
✌️
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work