*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves