Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.