My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
You Might Also Like
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.