My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?![]()
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.