According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.