I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
hackers play passwordle
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Terribly Tuesday.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.