Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
He-man has a Masters degree
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work