Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
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WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
All. The. Damn. Time.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
a god among men
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.