Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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I have a black belt in leather
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Meow
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken