My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in