Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
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My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged