27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
That earthquake could have been an email.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again