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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
A friend sent me this.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers