Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My biological clock is wheezing.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
british sex workers really pound for pound
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song