[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes