[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer