“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.