*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
A classic…
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Do not levitate over flowers
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
😲 WTF? 😆
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.